Sunday, April 30, 2006,9:53 PM
yet another day is ending, and i still havent paid any attention to my beckoning pile of notes.
i noe i am too stubborn for my own good, i noe i shld use more of my brains.
but i juz cant bring myself to do what i dun wan to do.
at this age, more is expected of me.
but maybe, i juz cant bring myself to fufil all the expectations.
maybe
u think
u can make me study by refusing to talk to and meet me until exams end.
maybe
u think this will give me time and space to get over everything.
maybe
u want me to get closer to her instead.
maybe all these are juz
ur excuses?
i dun wan sympathy
i dun wan lies
i dun wan ke qi hua
i dun mind being crushed into a million pieces
all i wan is the simple raw truth
what are
u doing?
how do
u feel?
are
u happier this way?
or are
u aching juz like i am?
aching for
ur voice, the sight of
ur msg, a glimpse of
ur shadow
questions i've been wanting to ask
but remain trapped in the abyss of my mind
do pple look for someone that is the opposite of themselves, hoping they could find a complement for their flaws?
or do they find someone that is similar to them, sharing the same good points that attracted them to each other in the 1st place?
izzit sadder to not be able to be with someone compatible with u, or to be able to be with someone is not so compatible instead?
every r/s is like a cycle.
it starts sweet and ends bitter.
its so repetitive that we shld already known what will be coming our way b4 stepping into it.
but even knowing the possibility of a bitter ending, we still stubbornly chose to take the chance by stepping into yet another cycle.
maybe its because of the sweet beginnings,
maybe we juz refuse to believe there will be an ending.
"history repeats itself, but the victim never learns"izzit really dat we never learnt?
or juz dat we end up learning the less important ones instead?
humans are not stupid, they are juz too clever for their own good.
i live by intuition, i work by feelings.
it may be wrong at the end of the day, but i cant deny it exists.
maybe i shld verify every bit of it, and not leave it to assumption
but circumstances juz wun allow me to.
i noe u wun get to noe abt this blog, but heres for u anyway:
"i m glad that u r very happy w her now. i wish u both all the best. finally after searching for so long, u finally found the 1 for u. u've made mistakes, everyone do. but u still deserve to be really happy. i dun hate u anymore, i never really did. although it nvr really mattered to u. maybe we will get a chance to meet again 1 day. things will be different for certain, but i dun tink there will be any more bad blood btw us. maybe we can revive our friendship, bk to the days b4 it all started. only time will tell."
thank god for frenz.
i know i never really said this, but thx to all of u for being with me whenever i need someone.
thx for being able to read my mind and know when i have anyting to tell u guys (even b4 i said anyting).
thx 4 putting up with all my shit whenever i couldnt meet u guys becoz i am with someone else.
thx for keeping all my secrets from my parents :p
thx for telling me the raw truth everytime i am vexed over sumting, juz for the simple reason that we have known each other for so long.
thx for accepting all my differences and flaws as frenz.
thx for everyting else i didnt mention.
above all, thx for juz simply being my frenz :)
~the 1 u end up with might not be the 1 u really love~
6 days to end of exams
Saturday, April 29, 2006,10:13 PM
1 more paper down, 2 more to go.
i have always waited for exams to end, coz i was looking 4ward to spending many enjoyable times with
u and
u.
but now, it doesnt really matter much.
prob going to find work str8 after exams.
need the $$, and need to kp myself busy.
any lobangs? :)
suddenly have so much time to myself these days.
time to think, time to reflect.
i admit, the 1st lie i said to
u is dat i m not unhappy abt the decision
u made.
in fact i am. very.
but i guess, ultimately, i still wan
u to be happy.
so if
u will be happier this way, i dun wan to take this happiness away from
u.
guess its juz another case of the right person at the wrong time.
frenz, we will be.
coz i know i can and i will make
u happy.
but only as ur fren.
and as long
u can be happy, dats all that matters.
~pple say qing chang shi yi, du chang de yi,but why does it seems dat i qing chang he du chang oso shi yi?? aarrgghh~
8 days to end of exams
Thursday, April 27, 2006,10:48 PM
seems dat everything is supposed to wait till exams r over.
everything, including me.
seems dat exams have became a very useful excuse for pple.
anything u cant deal with now, push it to the end of exams.
what if there are no exams? wat excuse is there left?
use another convenient person?
so now i m given 8 days to get over everything?
even if it doesnt mean anything to
u, it doesnt mean i feel the same way.
good that
u r becoming rational though.
pple say
u r making the right decision.
gd for
u.
i m not sour, i m juz dumb.
guess i shld not put
u in a spot.
guess i shld make
u happy.
guess i shld juz back off and do it
ur way.
the distance is getting greater, nothing has improved
i m more convinced day by day, dat the prob is really w
us.
wish
u could prove me wrong, but i doubt so.
~at the end of the day, my all is still not enuff for u~
10 more days to end of exams
Tuesday, April 25, 2006,6:12 PM
time passes so slow.
cant wait 4 exams to end.
not gd to be a pisces.
pisceans noe why.
somethings shld not be thought of.
somethings CANT be thought of.
things happen for a reason.
pple do things for a motive.
mind over matter
or matter over mind?
you xie hua, wo jiu shi shuo bu chu lai
12 days more to end of exams
Sunday, April 23, 2006,3:28 PM
1 paper down, 4 more to go!
exams r fine, its juz the studying dat sux.
its gg to be nearly a mth since we 1st met.
and we are supposed to take it slow.
but somehow, i feel the distance btw
us growing.
maybe its the exams, maybe its
us.
only time will tell.
but i pray its not
us.
met a really cool fren last nite (
u noe who
u r :p)
honestly, toking to
u really brightens up my day (ermz, nite :p), but it doesnt help my insomia! :p
16 days to end of exams
Wednesday, April 19, 2006,9:50 PM
still counting down.
still hating the books.
still being forced.
still missing
you.
17 days to end of exams
Tuesday, April 18, 2006,9:17 PM
cant wait 4 exams to end.
hate the studying period.
everybody are juz pressurizing me to study.
like i dun already noe.
like there are no other things in life.
aarrggh.
along the journey of life, a man found himself stuck in the middle of a crossroad.
turning back, he sees light, familiarity and a path dat he once travelled.
looking 4ward, he sees a long road of darkness and uncertainty, filled with potholes.
a certain part of him believes dat he can find happiness at the end of the road.
he juz need the courage to walk thru it.
he took a few steps 4ward, taking care not to step into any potholes, but he still stumbled along the way.
after sustaining a few bruises, he suddenly stopped and sat down to think.
is dat road worth walking?
can he really reach the end and find happiness?
or shld he juz turn back and walk the path he is all-so-familiar with?
my old friend
Saturday, April 15, 2006,9:33 PM
met mich to study 2dae.
haven tokked to her 4 a long time.
both of us were quite amazed dat we have been friends for 15yrs n counting! :p
tokked abt relationships.
we seem to grow and learn w every r/s we got into, and lost.
even if its just a tiny lesson, or a slight discovery of someting we never knew about ourselves.
we make mistakes, lose someone we used to love, learn from those mistakes, found another person we love, made somemore mistakes again, lose that someone again, and finally learn our mistakes again....and it goes on & on...
sounds dreading, yeah, but its part & parcel of life i guess.
somehow, maybe we can only really learn from pple we cared alot for, in order not to make the person we care alot now unhappy.
Thursday, April 13, 2006,8:36 PM
i lost.
all the strength, pride and ego i built up over the days.
i finally broke down n lost it all.
i always thought i m an emotionally strong person, n i will prob continue feeling dat way.
but suddenly, today, i feel dat im nearing the end with nowhere else to go.
i noe i shld turn back, but my legs wun move.
reality hit me hard.
i started out juz looking 4 friends and a good time.
i didnt expect to find anyting more den dat.
n i definitely didnt expect to fall head over heels all over again.
i thought
u were juz a passing phase, i thought after awhile i will lose interest in
u.i thought i can handle my own feelings and come n go as i wish.
but i didnt expect
u to be in my thoughts 24/7.
i didnt expect to be willing to compromise my own character and principles juz to make
u happy.
i didnt expect i will have the urge to see
u everyday.
i didnt expect i will stick my 2 feet into the mud juz to wait 4
u to rescue me.
i didnt expect my feelings for u to grow stronger as the day passes.
i didnt expect to be hanging by the 1 thin rope
u handed to me 4 a future dat might never come.
all these while, i coaxed myself dat maybe its all a dream, maybe i over-exaggerated my feelings 4
u, maybe i mis-interpreted
ur meaning, maybe....
until today, when i broke down n cried.
stubbornly n childishly glued my eyes to the tv instead of studying, snapped at my mum for commenting too much on a tv show, n sobbed to myself like a spoilt kid not getting her way.
den i realised its true.
i m really juz hanging on nearly nothing.
looking back, the signs r there, juz dat maybe i was too blind to see.
all these while,
u nvr took the initiative to msg me at all.
not even a 'hi'.
i told myself maybe
u wanted to, but juz scared to take the initiative n blah...
so i thickened my skin n tried to make my presence felt in
ur hp everyday.
u always take a long time to reply my msgs, but i lied to myself dat maybe
u r busy (sometimes
u really are), tired, wateva....
but judging by the speed
u reply
ur msgs whenever
u are out with me, can i still find any excuses left to lie to myself?
u said
u have hao gan 4 me, maybe my interpretation of hao gan is diff from
urs.
coz i dun feel a single bit of it.
to
u, i m prob juz a normal fren dat cares alot for
u, someone dat can help
u bounce back from
ur past r/s? someone dat can give
u the love n care
u always wanted?
sorry 4 being cynical, but can i still see any hope?
all these while until now, i have trusted
ur words, every single word, but maybe words r cheap?
maybe dats y till now,
u have never trusted me to be able to love
u and treat
u right.
i guess i m asking too much, hoping too high.
maybe its time 4 me to get down from my cloud n face reality.
i hate to admit this, but
u have already became my addiction.
n i have to learn how to curb it b4 it robs me of my life.
managed to stop myself from msging
u for the past 21hrs.
now i finally realise how hard is it to curb an addiction.
frenz i spoke to all feel
ur way of handling us is right.
dat i m too impatient and i shld wait, juz like u.
dat i m too emotional and i shld have some of
ur rationality.
but do
u tink i like it this way?
dun i wan to be more rational at times too?
no1 can EVER understand exactly how i feel.
how torn i m from all these.
how i have to balance my own internal feelings on 1 side, and look after
ur feelings on the other.
4get it.
headache
Monday, April 10, 2006,9:12 PM
urgh. headache.
haven been studying the whole day yet.
ok, the whole day + last nite.
not enuff discipline man.
need someone 2 sit down n force me study.
help!!
suddenly missed all my frenz fr young.
from my old condo, to the pl gang, and the jc clique.
where have u all gone???
sigh. mugging-blues i guess.
if
U ever come across this:
"juz wanna let
u noe i miss
u. but i dun wanna interrupt
ur fun so didnt msg. hope
u had a great time. hope to cya real soon. :)"
ok, muz study le. shall bring a can of 7-up to my room to pei wo. :p
again. almost always.
Saturday, April 08, 2006,9:53 PM
great. history repeats again.
whenever i can finally get hopeful about something, i get sent crashing down again.
dun i ever learn its negativity?
guess there wun be love if there is no hurt.
yet again, i am put thru a test.
a test of love n perseverance.
a test in which i almost always fail thru no fault of my own.
i hate falling 4 some1 fast, only to end up bearing a whole lot of uncertainty n rejection.
but i juz dun have a choice.
there must just always be someone.
an unfortunate someone.
"
U are almost everyting i wanted.
ke shi wo zhong shi lai de tai wan.
wo yuan yi cheng dan
ni yi qian suo shou de shang hai,
zi yao
ni yuan yi ba xin jiao gei wo."
missed the pl gang lotz. muz really mit up soon k?? book chalet 4 ahbu bdae?? :p
i dunno
Friday, April 07, 2006,3:12 PM
didnt slp much the past few nites. F said the total hrs i slept for 3 nites add up 2 only 10. but when i finally get to slp nearly 12hrs last nite, i felt lethargic when i got up instead.
life is contradicting.
dunno why.
why cant
u be more open?
why must
u always be so polite to me?
why cant
u honestly let me noe how
u feel?
i dunno why, only
U noe.
its hard to be rational AND emotional at the same time.
i dunno why.
ni xiang wo mah?
ni xin li you wo mah?
wo bu zhi dao.
Finding Mr./Ms. Right
Monday, April 03, 2006,9:33 PM
Jo, when it comes to dating, you're a Shy Idealist.
Despite your tendency to be shy, you know that there is someone out there for you. Getting over that initial hurdle of meeting someone can be difficult. Your challenge is to put yourself in the position to meet new people without throwing a keeper away too soon.
Are You a Secure Lover?
,9:21 PM
Jo, you tend to gravitate toward romantic partners who have a Secure attachment style.
People with a secure attachment style are warm, open and trusting. They are typically comfortable with themselves and show high regard for others. Attachment style begins in infancy with the interactions we have with our parents or primary caregivers. Through these early relationships we begin to understand the dynamics and patterns of close relationships and we carry this perspective into our adult relationships.Psychologists call your attachment style Secure. You tend to be an open and trusting romantic partner. You find it relatively easy to get close to people, and are generally comfortable depending on others. Your answers on our test show that when it comes to relationships you have grown beyond your earliest attachment issues. While you may not have every issue resolved, you're making substantial progress at establishing healthy relationship patterns.
heh.
love
Sunday, April 02, 2006,4:53 PM
the worst ting.
the most troublesome thing.
the most stressful ting.
the most time-consuming activity.
the most heart-breaking outcome.
the most fickle feeling.
the hardest to decipher.
love.
