Wednesday, May 31, 2006,12:05 PM
where did the old me go?
when did the new me come?
i lost interest in food these days.
it doesnt seem to excite me as much anymore.
in fact its a drag, to find it, consume it, and force it out again.
maybe i can lose weight from this.
"love story" is a very dumb show.
no meaning whatsoever.
unidentifiable plot, confusing screenplay, continuously repeating words.
"the need to fetter and bind is human."
"every1 is juz falling in love with love."
"what is fact, what is fiction?"
why did Orpheus turn back to look at Eurydius on the way bk from Hades?
insecurity? lack of confidence? fear of losing? lack of trust?
factors dat will only lead to tragedy.
i need to find sumwhere to think.
sumwhere away from strangers.
sumwhere stimulating.
i need to tink abt my next step.
what do i wan from life?
what did i get instead?
how did i treat pple?
and how did they treat me?
how much can i trust the words of others?
how much can they trust mine?
and a whole lot more.
any suggestions for a suitable place?
Monday, May 29, 2006,9:59 PM
spend the whole day at home 4 once.
finished my drama serial and played gunbound.
went tuition after dat, but still didnt get my fee. even got to go tmr to take myself.
aaarrgghhh. still muz shou qi by my student.
heard a piece of news last nite.
sumting i nvr expected to hear.
had alot of time to tink abt stuff.
stuff i nvr had to think abt b4.
Sunday, May 28, 2006,9:30 PM
damn tired 2dae.
only slept abt 7hrs last nite, and was out the whole day.
but was happy though, 4 most of it. :)
went k lunch (without the lunch), slack awhile, den went to play pool.
all w joel and 'adam's wife'. :)
her voice is really nice. :)
and joel's voice is really low. lol.
n the 2 of them really can have a pool fight sia. lol.
cant wait 4 the next time we go out again. :)
but now wat to do tmr?? sigh.
plenty of time, no $$.
stay home watch l word?
possible.
go PS to fix my hp cable?
possible.
go peninsula w joel?
possible.
dun do anyting the whole day?
not possible.
Saturday, May 27, 2006,8:52 PM
noting much to say.
another boring day.
'extorted' quite an amt of food from parents in ntuc juz now though.
ok, at least enuff to fill my tummy for 1 wk of supper. heh.
cant stand younger bros. esp mine.
think they so da shao ye ah, everyting oso wan pple 2 do 4 them.
prepare teatime, scoop soup 4 themself, eat fish after removing the bones, blah.
and not to mention he is 18. and a GUY.
pity his galfren sia. if he even has 1.
aarrgghh.
Friday, May 26, 2006,10:19 PM
yet another day.
went cityhall to do sumting.
went tan jong pagar to collect sumting.
went bk cityhall to do sumting again.
went home 4 dinner.
how interesting can my day be?
asked myself the same few questions the whole day.
wat am i doing w my life?
who m i even living for?
myself would prob be the most politically correct answer.
but its quite un-convincing.
coz this is not the life i wan.
read someone's blog juz now.
made me a little angry at 1st, but den got me thinking later on.
after a r/s has ended, wat kind of memories do u leave the other person and vice versa?
do we split in hatred? amicably? or it reached a stage where it doesnt even matter at all?
wat does it say abt us den?
if we split in hatred, does it mean that we are unable to bring out the gd in the r/s?
if we split amicably, does it mean that we can forgive n forget all the wrongs we did to each other?
if it doesnt matter, does it mean the r/s was a mistake from the start?
maybe there cant be 1 fixed ans?
maybe we juz dun feel the same way abt the end of the r/s?
wat good does it do if i end up blaming u, n u do the same to me?
but its not so easy to revert bk to the way things were b4 a r/s.
start all over as frenz again? certain memories, gd n bad, cant be erased.
after a r/s, if both can move on w their lives n remain frenz, dats gd.
if only 1 party wans to remain frenz and the other is still hostile, its troublesome.
if both parties wan to remain hostile throughout, the r/s has became pointless.
isn't a r/s supposed to be a blissful union btw 2 pple in love?
how can it end up in hatred? i have no ans.
if pple were simpler, and have less expectations,maybe there wun be breakups and sadness.
but it only exists in my own idealistic world.
,12:02 PM
was out the whole day.
met parents for lunch, den went audio house see mp3.
but ended up coming home w a very nice sad song.
went to take l word from wayne n tok awhile.
den went down town meet joel n her fren.
supposed to meet another fren, but last min she cant make it.
so left the 3 of us to rot like nobody's biz.
rot from town, to this arab cafe at arab st.
me n joel finally tried sheesha (water smoke-sui yan)!
she took grape, i took mango.
honestly, its not very nice.
maybe its becoz we r too used to the stronger cigarettes?
joel said mine tasted like 'long kang zui', and hers like 'sai zui'. LOL.
but bo bian, 1 person 12 bucks sia, so try 2 finish it loh.
but the food there very special.
arab food mah.
will prob go there again for the food n chill out.
met her at nite.
will not go into details here.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006,10:10 PM
sigh. another boring day.
went down to cityhall to give a surprise, bt failed again. :(
den walked ard to get sumting.
den went all the way to yishun juz to drk bb tea w joel.
i muz have been damn bored.
and dat person damn gd fren sia.
make me wait 4 15mins for her, in the end she appeared w a 1/4 drank bb tea!
ownself go n buy oso nvr help me buy.
sum more say she tot i will go n buy myself while waiting.
i got yi qi wan hor. grrr.
slacked awhile den went home 4 dinner.
dad bot paper-wrap chicken 4 me! :)
abit guilty though, coz he only buy 1 den he gave it to me.
so i ended up tearing pieces of the chicken 4 mum n dad until they had to tell me to stop. lol.
den mum was a lil weird.
she suddenly came n sit next to me when i was watching tv, and start tokking.
said the whole day she very fan, very sad and stuff.
coz she watch this sad show (diaoz), den she hu si luan xiang (as usual).
den she say she very sad, until when i tear the pieces of chicken for her den she suddenly felt so happy. den i went "ehh???". lol.
parents. weird. told her she is gg thru menopause le. lol.
aarrgghh my $48 USB cable 4 my hp is not working man.
downloaded all the necessary progs but STILL cannot upload pics.
gotta bring it down to PS to service again?!
i juz bot it on mon lah! grrr.
had butterflies in my tummy the whole day.
damn scared over sumting.
hope it will turn out fine.
fingers crossed again.
will let u guys noe abt it soon.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006,10:10 PM
hmmz another day has passed.
went for 2nd interview at 10am.
kinda got the photographer job, but prob start only after 20th june.
in the meantime still muz find job!!
den went to meet joel at bishan 4 lunch n slack.
went to watch da vinci code oso.
quite chim at 1st, but in the end found it quite dumb.
wats so bad abt finding out dat jesus slept w mary n had descendents?!
becoz of dat oso muz kill so many pple meh??
n they go through so much trouble juz to find the tomb of mary??
sigh.
joel nearly killed me for suggesting this show.
but no others liao mah.
cant expect me to watch cartoon rite? lol
and we were freezing inside coz no1 brot jkt!
after dat we were so happy w our cups of hot tea. lol
now gotta tink abt wat to do tmr again.
sigh.
i hope i can hear gd news ltr.
crossing my fingers.
Monday, May 22, 2006,9:43 PM
went 'travelling' 2dae.
went to tanjong pagar for interview, den went sim lim to see mp3, den went cityhall, den went town and finally ended up in kovan.
madness.
all i m doing these days is trying 2 pack all my days so dat i have no time left to myself.
but it juz led me to think, "wat the hell m i doing w my life?"
guess i m a little short-tempered these days.
sry to those who had to bear the brunt.
i really didnt mean it.
maybe i really need to find jobs to keep myself busy.
i still have no idea wat 2 do 4 the week.
all i noe is dat i m tired.
and jaded.
Sunday, May 21, 2006,11:28 PM
pretty happy day 2dae.
went out w eve, joel n wayne to dis pretty nice cafe. :)
tokked abt alot of 'ermz' stuff. lol.
mich: dun tink i can blog abt the surprise yet. soon soon. lol.
now muz tink abt wat to do for the next wk again. sigh.
Saturday, May 20, 2006,9:03 PM
tmr is sun! finally!
had a damn tired dae 2dae.
maybe its due to my 5 pathetic hrs of slp.
and the dreaded tuition.
went to take sumting fr cheryl after tuition.
den rushed down to cityhall to meet frenz.
slacked awhile, den went home 4 dinner.
in order to stop mum from nagging me for gg out 4 dinner tmr.
prob gg 2 meet another fren 4 a drk ltr.
tired sia.
cec's leaving tmr.
gonna miss u gal.
i will TRY to visit u if possible. :)
from 2dae onwards, i will only blog abt my normal mundane life here.
anyting more personal will be in another blog.
temporary.
Friday, May 19, 2006,10:26 PM
stayed at home the whole day for the 1st time.
finally finished the 'surprise project'!
cant wait to see the result. :)
thx to both my buddies for helping!
cant wait 4 sun!! :P
Wednesday, May 17, 2006,11:36 PM
long day 2dae.
went town to meet cheryl n cec.
den went cec hse play mahjong n slack.
had dinner there too.
alot of food!!
den went compass point w cheryl to buy sumting.
met joel there, so crapped a little.
tired sia.
but gotta continue w my 'surprise project' ltr. :)
finally gonna earn sum $$ tmr.
damn broke.
am i really dat bad a lover?
do i really seem dat flirtatious?
why cant pple know me for who i really am?
even my frenz?
i really JUZ wan sum1 to last with.
i really dun like the whole vicious cycle.
why cant pple juz believe me?
wateva.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006,9:00 PM
sigh. she left.
gotta wait till sun. aarrgghh.
busy packing my schedule to kp myself busy.
not gd to have too much free time.
juz realised 500 piece jigsaws r HUGE.
student is starting to piss me off AGAIN.
was looking at myself in mirrors today.
realised i look damn ugly.
does being sad make one ugly?
sigh.
k lunch w cec was ok, but we were both quite tired i tink.
and she cant read the chi fan ti zi for nuts man. lol.
went sj's hse to play abit of mahjong coz cec gotta leave early.
ok, its my fren's fault for coming late.
i actually won $$ for the 1st time so far man.
cec, i tink its ur hse lah. it doesnt like me!
played with sj's shih tzu. damn cute!
i wan a puppy!
if only i am more disciplined.
still waiting for ur msg.
sigh, i wish i was on holiday too. with u.
Monday, May 15, 2006,11:03 PM
had a long day 2dae.
went w mich to return van, den we both go tamp.
mich went to buy her interview stuff, i met eve for lunch.
well lunch was nice, except when SOMEONE came.
den went for sum facial at 3, which made me look damn fair!
went to meet cheryl n char at kovan 4 awhile after dat.
went home 4 dinner, den went to pick eve up.
asked a very very dumb ques, and still took nearly 2hrs to ask it!
yeah ok, i noe i m called wo nang fei.
but i prepared myself for so many days, but when i tot i m finally ready to ask, i chicken out again. sigh.
in the end, after lots of humming & hawing, hair-flipping, fist-clenching and 1 can drk, i finally got it out.
but the answer is still no.
disappointed, but i guess i was kinda prepared for it.
guess it juz needs time.
but PLEASE, dun ask me wat the ques is.
lets juz leave it as it is.
other den dat, day is fine i guess.
but the next few days r gonna be hell. sigh.
Sunday, May 14, 2006,10:22 PM
went to char's housewarming 2dae.
nice, clean hse.
played bridge, as usual, i always kenna scolding again.
sigh. game only mah. bleah.
juz realised i have a pretty high treshhold for unhappiness.
i seem to be able to kp most of my unhappiness within me, wout saying it out.
maybe its my ego at play.
gotta learn how 2 put it aside now.
u kp giving me hopes and crushing them over again.
i shld have been scared, i shld have backed out.
but theres still a part of me which refuses to let go.
stubbornly clinging on to the life buoy u occasionally throw to me.
hoping dat 1 day u might pick me up from the torrents, and bring me into ur ship.
~wo ku ku de deng dai, shi wei le ni ou er gei de ai~
Saturday, May 13, 2006,3:02 PM
staring at the screen, i suddenly dunno wat to type.
i wished i hadn't read dat entry, wished i hadn't asked you abt it.
at least i can still lie to myself dat theres still hope.
maybe i follow my emotions too much.
i always let them rule my life.
itz becoz of them, dat i chose u.
itz becoz of them, dat i m willing to risk every part of me to be with u.
itz becoz of them, dat i had to agree to give u up to make u happier.
itz becoz of them, dat i m feeling like shit now.
the malacca trip didnt help me much.
it juz dragged me deeper and made me realise more scary stuff.
itz tiring to kp having hopes, only to have them crushed by the person who gave it to u.
but i have to learn how 2 deal w it?
another vicious cycle.
honestly speaking, i m scared of being with u too.
i am scared dat u dun turn out to be the person i thought u would be.
i have been hurt dat way twice, its enuff.
i kp telling myself u wun be such a person.
i trusted u 4 who u r, coz i love u.
but time after time, u always do/say very unexpected stuff.
maybe i need to learn more on how 2 judge a person on 1st sight.
Friday, May 12, 2006,11:36 PM
bk in sg le.
didnt buy anyting much.
read ur fridae diary.
wat can i say?
Wednesday, May 10, 2006,5:40 PM
part 1:
in malacca now.
lucky got comp to use.
infested by mosquitoes! arrgghh.
had a sudden urge to back out in the morning b4 the coach left.
but shall not risk being killed by my fren .heh.
and the comp screen is jumping like mad!
going yan hua man.
part 2:
bk in hostel 4 the nite.
a bird shitted on me juz now! (i tink)
if u guys wanna buy 4D, its at 7.32pm.
strike liao muz share hor. :p
still infested w mosquitoes. urgh.
now i tink sg is better.
but i love days wout parents. :p
Monday, May 08, 2006,9:03 PM
damn. my msn cant work coz they say its outdated.
and i cant install the new version coz my dad didnt give me any rights!
AND the web version of msn has disappeared!
how sucky can things get. aarrgghh.
was damn tired 2dae.
only slept for abt 5-6 hrs last nite i tink.
supposed to be at cheryl's hse to watch dvd, but less den half an hr into the show, i fell asleep le.
cannot tahan.
ended up napping on her table for awhile.
damn uncomfortable!!
but i dun dare to lie on her bed coz of my gelled hair. lol.
hmmz 1 more day b4 i go away!
gonna sing ktv tmr! yay!
mum is STILL pissing me off.
asking me where i go everyday, with who, do wat, etc.
getting on my nerves sia.
glad i m going away for awhile.
peace n quiet.
Sunday, May 07, 2006,10:43 PM
i feel like running away from it all.
cowardly, but do i have a better choice?
when all i see is how happy u are without me around.
but i dun even have the guts to run.
so many things i wanna say,
so many feelings i wanna let u noe.
but not a single word came out of my mouth.
maybe it's pride, maybe it's the fear of rejection.
i juz stood by, watching u slip away further and further.
waiting for a hope, hoping for a chance.
a chance to make u happy, a chance to keep u in my heart.
dat chance might never come,
but u will always live in my heart.
~if 1 day i leave ur life, would u still remember my existence?~
Saturday, May 06, 2006,9:32 PM
was freakin tired dis morning, so end up cancelling tuition.
realised some stuff last nite.
something called the harsh reality.
i tink i managed to fall asleep becoz of the alcohol.
cheryl once asked me:
"love is supposed to be a very happy thing. but why issit dat everytime u fall in love, u dun seem happy?"
i wish i knew the answer, but all i can answer her is "i really dunno"
maybe now the answer i can give her is, "maybe all these while, the people i love do not love me juz as much" *shrugs*
~no matter how long i stare at the sea of faces in front of me, i will never be able to see urs~
,2:00 PM
suddenly, i no longer know wat to say.
i was never given a chance to make my own decision.
i was never really given a decision to make in the 1st place.
people come and go as and when they think they should.
leaving me to clear up the pieces in my life.
what am i waiting for?
wat am i hoping for?
maybe a miracle.
a miracle that my life will be better this instant.
~maybe we will juz be a beautiful dream~
Friday, May 05, 2006,1:21 PM
finally. the day i have been waiting for.
the end of exams.
the beginning of fun.
although most of the original plans and hopes have changed, end of exams is still a cause to celebrate eh?
frenz coming over to play guitar soon, meeting buddies 4 dinner ltr.
2dae shld be fun. :)
tink i gained a few grams from bro's durian bdae cake last nite.
now still stuffing myself w fishballs for lunch.
madness.
read someone's blog.
inspired me to ask:
what is simplicity?
what makes a simple person?
a person who thinks simply? doesnt ask for much? doesnt have hidden intentions?
how would u know if a person is simple?
from her actions? the things she like? the way she thinks?
everyone wans a simple someone.
no1 likes to be in the middle of complications.
but most of the time, circumstances are not within ur control.
people tend to only see whats in front of their eyes.
think what they are willing to think.
but not believing the underlying reasons.
~dun ask me about me and her, ask me about me and u~
Thursday, May 04, 2006,5:29 PM
few more hrs to freedom! any congrats? :p
chi paper sux. badly.
expecting an F for it, coz i dun tink my project did much better too. *shrugs*
lucky tmr open bk, no more cramming of stuff into my already saturated brain.
cant wait for all the activities after exams.
ktv, pool, trips, shopping, and alot alot of la-kopi!
ok, not to forget work too. *shrugs*
was happy today.
met a fren i haven seen 4 quite sometime after paper for lunch n crap.
played basketball too.
hand damn suan now. right one somemore. lol.
okok, i noe i NEVER willingly played basketball in my 22yrs of life.
but its the arcade type lah, so no running mah. heh.
~maybe at the end of the day, what really matters is not ur existence in my life, but ur existence in my heart~
Wednesday, May 03, 2006,12:27 PM
if i didnt call or msg, would u miss me?
if i went away for days, would u tink of me?
if i needed u so badly, would u drop everything and come to be with me?
if u had to choose between the world and me, would u hesitate for a moment?
till the day dat all ur answers are 'yes', den u could safely say 'i love u'.
finally confirmed with parents for msia trip.
but they will only approve if its in peninsula msia.
which means no redang :(
coz they say if anyting happen in the island nobody can save me.
but there are prob more chances of things happening in the mainland instead coz got more pple rite? *shrugs*
oh well, since they decide to rang yi bu, so i shall not push further.
guess its malacca now, prob next wed.
nearly forgot dis sat is voting day. waste of time.
finally the last 2 papers r coming.
haven really studied much for chinese though.
dun even noe what the notes are tokking about.
got myself into deep shit this time. *shrugs*
still cant wait 4 exams to officially end :P
all the while pple are lamenting on how they r not fated to be with so-and-so
and how fate makes a sport out of man
but if u really start to think, every person dat comes into ur life, be it as frenz or lovers, is actually sent to u by fate rite?
if not, out of billions of pple in the world, how would u actually get to know them?
so prob every single person dat u spent ur life with, is actually fated to be with u for a period of time, irregardless of how they eventually left
~having 1 person leave ur life, is probably better den having 5 pple passing by it~
Tuesday, May 02, 2006,6:07 PM
i was quite happy last nite.
still sad as a whole, but happiness decide to creep in silently last nite. :)
left abit of joy in my heart, some smiles on my face, and left juz as silently after i slept.
waiting 4 parents to approve my trip to msia.
all i get are excuses from them dat i dunno how 2 take care of myself.
aarrgghh. generation gap.
and they actually used the excuse dat i might meet crooked pple there?!
is dat mad, or is dat MAD?
i am pretty resolute dat i wanna rent a rm outside after i get a stable job.
~i wish things could juz be sweet and simple~
Monday, May 01, 2006,2:55 PM
somethings happen for a reason, others juz happen.
love is pure, giving and self-sacrificing, but humans are evil, selfish and greedy.
only in the presence of love, are we willing to put our own selfish desires aside.
but sumtimes, in the presence of love, we never noe when to say the right thing, or when not to say anything at all.
things happened, words exchanged, feelings said, decisions made.
emotions are stirred, circumstances will change.
maybe its now left to our maturity to help us decide the route we shld take.
chances given, risks taken, hopes felt, expectations set.
we might be surprised, we might be disappointed.
but wateva it is, we juz have to accept it as reality in its rawest form.
