Friday, June 30, 2006,10:41 PM
downloaded another 2 nice songs.
very sad. juz my type.
the fish said to the sea: "i am crying, but u cant see my tears, becoz i live in the sea"
the sea said to the fish: "i can feel ur tears, becoz u live in my heart"
maybe i m trying too hard to get over.
so hard dat i dunno wat i m doing w my life.
i juz hope i dun hurt any1 else in the process.
���濂芥��蹇� ���濂芥��蹇�
���浠���冲��浣����涓����
������寰����绾����������涔�杩�
��宠����ラ��浣���介『���
���浼���冲康 ���浼���冲康
���浼�绁�绂�浣���版案杩�
��ヤ��涔�璁板����ｄ����ㄥぉ
姘镐��瀹�搴� ������浠����������璇鸿��
������缁�浣������变��澶�
���浼�璁╀�������告��������
杩����浣�������蹇�浜�璇�
浣������辨�绘��灞����瀹����
�����锋����界��浣�浣����蹇�
涓����������娌℃����甸�����韬�浣�
������瀛ゅ�����瀵�瀵����澶�
��������村�����浣���板ぉ���
Thursday, June 29, 2006,9:14 PM
started an outdoor surveyor job 2dae at parkway.
not easy at all.
not 4 a shy person like me. heh.
but saw a very gd-looking gal juz now.
damn stylish and chio.
fits the requirement of my target respondents.
so went up to her and tokked abit.
but sadly, she is a tourist from california.
if not would have her hp no in my survey liao. (like i dare to do anyting abt it)
oh well, juz shows dat really gd-looking gals are mostly non-singaporean.
sad case. lol.
suddenly hit me dat i might be treading into dangerous waters again.
shall not let history repeat itself.
guess i shld not let u both invade my mind.
sigh.
harder den it seems.
gonna let work numb my mind.
and my body, and everyting else.
with the occasional space for family and gd frenz.
i juz need the discipline.
sum1 teach me to be rational?
,8:57 PM
3 pics taken during 3 different times.
topmost was few wks ago, when everything was nice.
2nd was in thailand, when things started to get rocky.
3rd was juz few days ago, when everything ended.
now everyone who takes pics with me these days say i look like drug addict.
i cant help it wat. its not my fault dat i cant slp rite?
cant expect me to pop 5 pills everynite juz to slp rite?
Tuesday, June 27, 2006,11:59 AM
great.
the long long post i typed dis morn disappeared wout a trace.
juz great.
shall not repeat word for word again.
havent had a more horrid 4 days for a long time.
'happy' was never, and is still not, a word in my dictionary.
problems kp piling up, 1 after another, suffocating me.
now, at least, most of it are more or less settled.
not in a way i wan it to, but theres noting much i can do.
those left that are not, i can only hide away from it for now.
those who wanted to leave, already left.
those who refused to leave, i have no energy left to chase them away.
words left unsaid.
feelings buried underneath.
emotions covered.
thoughts running, waiting to be suppressed.
nothing left for me to do.
sit bk, watch reality.
accept wat it throws at me.
and juz shut my mouth up.
浣�涓���辨�� ���������涓�寰�
������涓����涓轰����ㄧ�肩��
浣�涓���辨�� 浣�������涓���辨��
灏藉�����涓烘����煎�界��涔����娴�璐�
浣�涓���辨�� ���������涓�寰�
������涓���������借��浣�瀵�
浣�涓���辨�� 浣�������涓����
���涓���翠互涓烘�����������
�����ュ�������ｅ��澶�
Friday, June 23, 2006,1:05 PM
A: "Dun wry, time can heal all wounds."
B: "Is love really that fragile?"
is it really?
or is it becoz we want it to be?
had mixed feelings last nite.
tears behind the smiles.
i still cant tear myself away from it all.
i cant leave everything behind and go.
i cant find my wings.
alcohol. the next best thing to ciggies.
cheaper.
numbing.
my next source of comfort with food.
why cant i juz sit down and trash things out?
why cant i juz get EVERYTHING out from u and me?
why cant i juz accept the whole reality and move on?
coz i m a coward. dats why.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006,9:52 PM
had a boxing session w wayne juz now.
feeling of being hit is nice.
too bad she couldnt hit my face, coz i didnt wan to invite trouble from parents.
so all she aimed were my arms and body. lol.
my invitation for pple to come and hit me is still valid.
juz drop me a msg to let me noe.
no retaliation guaranteed. :)
its been a long time since i was so lost.
gone are the days when i have control on myself.
gone are the days where i can juz do wat i wan.
i wish someone could help, but i noe no1 could.
these days i m juz forcing myself to do things i dun wan to do.
and i dun even noe the reason y.
someone juz need to beat the brains out of me.
i need slp.
b4 my face turns black.
i tried, but all i do is kp waking up every few hrs in the nite.
even panadol doesnt help.
aarrgghh.
and all i can do to stay awake at nite and not smoke, is eat.
everynite and day i m juz gorging myself w food.
dis sucks.
hope tmr will be a better day.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006,8:51 PM
managed to come home in time to watch the 7pm show.
1 sentence in it is so true.
"the taste of unrequited love is so heartwrenching. it makes my heart feels as though it is frozen. so cold, so cold."
mum dropped 2 very long emails to me.
asking me to share my life and experiences w her, so she can understand.
but somehow, i really dunno wat to reply.
so i didnt, for now.
i noe i sound mean for saying this, but pple whom i wan to leave me alone to my own devices, juz wun. but pple whom i wish would stay ard in my life more, juz dun seem to care.
reaching the period where i m questioning wat m i doing again.
luckily i dun have mood swings (dat often).
1 thing i hate to do in this world, is to force myself to do things i dun wan to.
but these days, i juz have no choice.
forcing myself will not make me happier, but theres the hope that it will lessen the sadness.
juz a hope.
maybe i m too stubborn.
have been doing alot of wrong things, but i juz refuse to listen to pple's advices.
pple see things clearer as an outsider, but yet i choose to believe dat they wun understand since they r not an insider.
there muz be a prob w me sumhow.
'sometimes, the person u finally end up with, might not be the person u love'
i kp believing that such a situation will never happen to me.
i wouldnt allow it to.
maybe i try too hard.
building up the blocks bit by bit, according to the pace of the special someone.
all becoz i juz wan to be with the person i love and no1 else.
she is queen, i m her slave.
stupid, yes.
unworthy, no.
but somehow, that tower of mine always eventually collapses.
the queen left, taking every1 and every thing with her.
leaving me to fix the damage.
and to look for another queen to rebuild another tower for.
now i finally stop.
sat down to think.
will anyone be willing to build a tower for me instead?
will i ever be the king of anyone's heart?
do i even deserve to be?
shld i find such a someone instead?
pple i really loved, left.
and i left those dat i dun.
retribution? probably.
a vicious cycle? definitely.
i can get over, i can forgive, but i cant forget.
and it sucks when pple who broke my trust, can get it bk easily juz with a few words and fake actions.
but yet i have to fight toe and nail to prove my trustworthiness.
juz shows how sucky i am.
tired of walking the ground barefooted.
feet scorched by the sun.
no $$ to buy shoes.
no1 is willing to lend me their slippers.
shld start looking for an empty bench beneath a tree.
so i can lie down and slp.
and wait for a kind soul to pick me up.
i need pple to hit me hard.
knock me out of my senses, and into reality.
if any of my frenz read this, do it.
u can let me noe in advance, or juz do it suddenly.
i wun retaliate, i promise.
dats the only thing u guys can do to help me now.
Monday, June 19, 2006,11:27 PM
Once upon a time, a young man wanted to go in search of a beautiful place dat he heard, which is filled with beautiful things like flowers, rainbows, pple laughing and many others. As his heart was feeling lonely and empty, he wanted to find this place, to see if it could bring him some joy. But sadly, he forgot to ask wat was the name of that place. Having only juz a rough impression of it, he set on a journey to find this miraculous place.
After walking for a short distance, he met a wise old man. He described the place to the old man, and asked if he knows where that place is. The old man replied: "Juz walk straight, you will pass by 5 different small towns. After u passed the 5th town, u would have reached that place u are looking for." After thanking the old man, he continued walking straight.
Not long after, he saw the outskirts of a small town. He turned to look at the townboard, and it stated 'Town of Hope'. When he entered the town, all he saw were temples, churches, mosques and wishing wells. All the pple were either praying and hoping for something, or throwing coins into the wells and wishing for sumting nice to happen to them. All of them had hopeful expressions on their faces, hoping that wateva they wished for will come true. Not wanting to waste time, he hurried on to find the 2nd town.
A short distance away from the 1st town, he saw another town. This time, the townboard wrote 'Town of Disappointment'. Entering the town, everyone he saw were juz sitting ard doing nothing, either crying, staring into space, or drowning bottles after bottles of beer. The expressions on their face were that of gloom and disappointment, a vast difference from the 1st town. Curious as to wat happened, he still didnt want to waste time, so he walked on to the exit of the town.
As he continued walking along the small path, he reached the 3rd town soon after. This time, the townboard stated 'Town of Uncertainty'. The pple in it were all behaving weirdly. Some walked left, b4 abruptly turning right. Some did the opposite. Some chose things they wanted to buy, but in the end leaving the shops without buying anything. None of them seemed sure of wat they wanted to do or say. Their expressions were that of confusion, some even resembling walking zombies. Feeling abit scared in this town, he hurried on without looking ard.
The next town he came to was juz as bad as the previous one. It was known as the 'Town of Sadness'. All the pple in there looked sad and miserable, and the whole place was dark and gloomy. Nobody smiled or laughed. Salty tears filled the whole river. Not wanting to stay there long, he faster ran to the exit.
Finally, he came to the last town. Looking at the town board, it said 'Town of Happiness'. This town was a vast difference from the previous 4 towns.Everyone there was laughing and playing and enjoying themselves. Smiles were on all of their faces. He felt really happy there, and nearly didnt want to leave. But knowing that the place he was looking for is juz nearby, he pressed on.
Finally, a short distance after leaving the last town, he saw the place he was looking for. The place full of joy, happiness, warmth and laughter. The place that resembles heaven on earth. The name of the place, he finally knew, was called the 'Town of Love'.
Sunday, June 18, 2006,12:13 PM
finally bk in sg liao.
when i rched the airport, had mixed feelings.
i wan 2 be bk in sg, but yet dun wan to face reality.
not dat i have any choice anyway.
went to do my replacement sim card yest. finally.
now gotta try 2 get bk all my contacts again.
was very disappointed over sumting.
thought abt alot of things w joel last nite.
went drinking at town.
w her never ending list of sad love songs.
lots of questions in my head, very few answers.
no1 noes me better den myself.
no1 bothers to try.
heard some nice songs, gonna add to my list of sad love songs
dats all i listen to these days.
its time 4 me to drop to rock bottom.
b4 life gets better.
lyrics from a nice song:
甯稿父璐ｆ�����宸卞�����涓�搴�璇�
甯稿父������娌℃�����浣����涓����
涓轰��涔���������哥�卞�版�����杩����瑕����寮�
���������浠���绘��淇冲����ㄥ����ㄤ��澶�
���澶�灏���卞��浠ラ�����
���澶�灏�浜烘�挎��绛�寰�
褰����寰�������浠ュ��������
��翠����ラ�ｄ唤��变��涓�浼�杩����
���澶�灏���卞��浠ラ�����
���澶�灏�浜哄�煎��绛�寰�
褰���辨��宸茬��妗���版钵娴�
������杩�������姘���荤��
and another nice song:
璇鸿��������璇鸿��
���瀛�������缂�缁�
��鸿��蹇�澶存����寸��涓�瑙�
���蹇�浜�������蹇�浜���╂��
浠荤�辨��楹绘�ㄥ��娉ｇ�����
姘歌��������姘歌��
娉�姘磋�����������
��卞�版繁娓����杩�涓���瑰��
���瀹���跨�镐俊浣����娆洪��
���涓�璁╂�����瀵逛����绘�ㄧ��涓�澶�
and another nice song:
涓轰��娴�涓�绗�涓�婊存唱
��ｇ��娉����浼ゆ��������
���涔����棰���㈠�规��澶�
涓���充��灏卞�版繁娓�
涓轰��娴�涓�绗�涓�婊存唱
�����变�����������婊����
褰�浣���绘��棰ゆ��������
������蹇�蹇界�惰�����瑁�
Friday, June 16, 2006,12:39 AM
last nite in bkk.
life really sucks without my hp.
sad and tired.
becoming more like a panda now.
eyebags r getting deeper, and i was so happy when i managed to find bamboo shoots in my lunch. lol.
finally coming bk tmr.
gotta do sum explaining to parents. sigh.
but definitely cannot let them noe abt the mugging.
if not i no nd to travel liao.
Thursday, June 15, 2006,1:40 AM
haiz 4th nite in bkk.
damn suay last nite.
was trying to take the bus bk to bkk from cec's province after dinner, when me and cheryl got mugged.
cheryl managed to escape safely, i lost my hp. :(
was freaking pissed after dat.
all my msgs inside gone.
all my preciously kept msgs.
fuck man.
shld have fought with him 4 my hp.
aarrgghh.
too angry to blog the details here.
anyway we r fine 4 now.
i m still fucking pissed.
Monday, June 12, 2006,1:04 AM
end of a day in bkk.
using the internet service in the hotel.
actually hoping to see sum1 online.
tiring day.
went a few places to shop but didnt buy anyting 4 myself. lol.
alot alot of food here.
think i m gonna grow fat.
gg to stay in cec's province tmr nite.
sigh, bk to non-civilisation. shrugz.
Sunday, June 11, 2006,12:27 PM
boarding the plane in 10mins time.
gonna miss all u guys here.
take care yeah?
meet up when i m bk! :)
Saturday, June 10, 2006,10:58 PM
juz received 2 pieces of bad news.
wats new?
gg thailand now doesnt seem so scary, maybe coming bk is worse.
y am i always supposed to face bad news when i come bk from abroad?
if it has to be the case, i rather not come bk.
but i guess i cant be a coward.
i cant kp running away.
after all, if i have to die, at least i have to noe y i die rite?
go on, break me again.
its not like i have nvr been broken b4.
dats all pple do these days anyway.
,3:22 PM
sigh. flying off tmr.
time passes fast.
was looking 4ward to the trip sumtime bk, now i m not really.
1 of my buddies juz got attached recently.
finally, i saw the genuine smile in her face.
the wonders of love.
irregardless of how long it can last, at least she is happy for now.
treasure the moment.
went reds club yest.
r&b and hip hop event.
not bad.
finally MY kind of clubbing music.
kinda paiseh to dance, so frenz ended up plying me w drks.
ok lah, i asked 4 it too.
who call me to play finger-guessing when i noe my reaction is damn slow.
danced awhile during the ltr part.
coz frenz kp pulling me over, and i guess, wats clubbing wout dancing rite? lol.
all i can say is, the pple there are REALLY energetic.
maybe coz the music there is freaking loud.
so loud dat i came home w a hoarse voice. shrugz.
but all in all, hai hao lah.
will consider gg for another gals event there if got the chance.
dis time, i hope u can come along. :)
Thursday, June 08, 2006,4:36 PM
2dae was pretty happy, coz sum1 special came over! :)
cooked lunch 4 her, den watched a show tog.
and she managed to coerce me to play 2 songs on the guitar.
damn paiseh.
fingers were shaking and kept playing wrong chords. :
n i couldnt even look at her face!
sad case sia me.
but sadly she had to leave early.
no thx to sum1 else. *shrugz*
was boiling inside juz now.
shall not comment further.
regretted not doing sumting again.
leaving on sun.
will i get the chance again?
i hope, dis time i will grab it tight.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006,10:47 PM
the last factor is solved.
i am gg bangkok dis sun.
coming bk on fri.
maybe its on impulse, maybe its sumting i wan to do.
wateva it is, i dun tink it matters much to u.
does it?
,4:08 PM
wow another dae staying at home.
time passes so slow.
well i guess, each day dat passes is a day further from the last time we met, but also a day nearer to the next time we get to meet. (copyrighted)
mum finally approved my trip to bangkok. suddenly.
now it depends on 1 more factor.
suddenly feel like eating sushi.
all thx to mich's posts. lol.
li kai shi wei le tao bi xian shi,
chen mo shi ying wei hai pa mian dui jie guo.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006,4:29 PM
for the 1st time since the hols, i didnt slack w frenz 2dae.
juz went to run errands and den bk home.
had to control myself not to spend $$.
realised taking buses is nice, but waiting for buses is not.
took 7 all the way from douby gaut to bdk.
wanted to take 17 from bdk all the way to pasir ris, but hunger stopped me. heh.
oh well, next time.
wished all the buses i m taking will come juz exactly when i reach the bus stop though.
went to fix my newly bot USB cable for my hp.
it better work man.
if not i m gonna be really pissed off.
waiting for pics from alot of pple.
everybody take pics with me, but nvr send it to me. tsk.
if u guys noe who u r, pls ah. lol.
time passes so slow.
cant wait 4 a certain day to come.
ok, 2 certain days. :)
Monday, June 05, 2006,8:41 PM
went alot of places these days.
did alot of slacking man.
love forfeit games. :)
didnt touch cigarettes these 2 days (ok w the exception of the last stick on sun)
all thx to the 2 gals.
ok, more importantly one of them. :)
its damn boring to stay in sg without $$. sigh.
shld be more hardworking and REALLY start to find job le.
these days, every1 seem to claim dat their expectations are simple and common.
but yet, they can nvr be 100% satisfied w any one person.
weird.
realised i m sum1 who is emotionally dependent on my partner.
if any part of me do change, its most prob due to my partner.
frenz who noe me long enuff will agree. lol.
am i really fated to be under the hands of my partner? sigh.
wat m i gonna do 4 the rest of the wk?
its still a mystery.
Saturday, June 03, 2006,11:21 PM
whisky+green tea+overdose of salty chips=stomach cramp. lol.
now i feel like crap.
serves me right.
michelle foo, u very gd sia.
abandon us in eileen's hse.
the bottle of beer in my fridge have been sitting there 4 very long.
tink parents will notice if i steal it? lol.
meeting them tmr.
hope things will turn out well.
*crosses fingers again*
,3:09 PM
basketball was ok, as usual i suk at it. lol.
tokked abt stuff.
i guess sumtimes, it is easier to tok as frenz.
went drinking at nite at a bar in ECP.
played cai quan, but i kept losing coz beginner mah.
den end up i kp having to guan jiu. lol.
but actually i kinda wanted to do it, wanted to finish cheryl's portion 4 her too.
dats my whole motive of gg out wat, get drunk.
but in the end, no kick! shrugs.
had supper after dat.
fat sia.
but next on the plan is geylang crab porridge. LOL.
ltr gg bdk 85 mkt to eat.
dunno if they will allow me to drk beer.
at least i noe, smoking is definitely out 4 2nite. lol.
hope i will have a pleasant surprise after dat.
*crosses fingers*
Friday, June 02, 2006,12:04 PM
tired. another one of those slp-wake-slp-wake nites.
where thoughts and dreams invade my precious resting time.
leaving me w little to myself.
gg to play arcade basketball soon.
hope i dun brg down my fren's score too.
why issit dat after crossing so many hundred roads, not a single vehicle is willing to speed and knock me down? sickening.
Thursday, June 01, 2006,8:35 PM
juz went to chk my results.
got an A+, a B+, 2 Bs and 1 F!
damn it man.
dat F spoiled my whole overall cap to only 2.4!!
like dat how 2 get honours?? sigh.
stupid chi. stupid me.
mum is starting to get on my nerves.
juz 2 nites out 4 dinner, and she starts yakking.
say i dun treat my home like a home.
kaoz. at least i come bk to slp loh!
and the latest i came home only 12+ wat.
oso nvr go chiong.
still nag n nag.
u can nvr outtalk a rooster.
finally met up w a long-lost fren juz now.
made me realise again how dumb i was, and still am.
always landing myself at the mercy of my partner.
sacrificing the others ard me in the process.
shld open my eyes wide when choosing my partner now (ok, dats wat i always say :p)
but anyway, thankful that they dun hold it against me.
really wanted to go bangkok originally.
found it an escape from reality.
but other den the $$ factor, now there r personal reasons involved.
guess i m fated to stay in sg afterall.
love is a dangerous thing.
it makes u fall head over heels, landing urself with a pile of bruises.
treasure it, and it brings u a lifetime of happiness.
misuse it, and it brings agony to u and the pple ard u.
ill-treat it, and it will send retributions after u.
forget abt it, and it will come bk to haunt u in another form.
but despite its dangers, pple are still falling in love with love.
,8:19 PM
A test from tickle.com
http://web.tickle.com/tests/findlove:
Jo, you find love in a Fairy Tale
Glass slippers, traveling minstrels, knights in shining armor. These are some of the classic components of fairy tales. And when it comes to your real-life love life, you'll take 'em in the form of candy and flowers, poems describing your beauty, tiny velvet boxes, and the like. Whether you are single or settled, you're a firm believer that the fairy tale shouldn't end when someone is carried over the threshold (though that's a pretty fun part, too).
LOL.
