Thursday, April 13, 2006,8:36 PM
i lost.
all the strength, pride and ego i built up over the days.
i finally broke down n lost it all.
i always thought i m an emotionally strong person, n i will prob continue feeling dat way.
but suddenly, today, i feel dat im nearing the end with nowhere else to go.
i noe i shld turn back, but my legs wun move.
reality hit me hard.
i started out juz looking 4 friends and a good time.
i didnt expect to find anyting more den dat.
n i definitely didnt expect to fall head over heels all over again.
i thought
u were juz a passing phase, i thought after awhile i will lose interest in
u.i thought i can handle my own feelings and come n go as i wish.
but i didnt expect
u to be in my thoughts 24/7.
i didnt expect to be willing to compromise my own character and principles juz to make
u happy.
i didnt expect i will have the urge to see
u everyday.
i didnt expect i will stick my 2 feet into the mud juz to wait 4
u to rescue me.
i didnt expect my feelings for u to grow stronger as the day passes.
i didnt expect to be hanging by the 1 thin rope
u handed to me 4 a future dat might never come.
all these while, i coaxed myself dat maybe its all a dream, maybe i over-exaggerated my feelings 4
u, maybe i mis-interpreted
ur meaning, maybe....
until today, when i broke down n cried.
stubbornly n childishly glued my eyes to the tv instead of studying, snapped at my mum for commenting too much on a tv show, n sobbed to myself like a spoilt kid not getting her way.
den i realised its true.
i m really juz hanging on nearly nothing.
looking back, the signs r there, juz dat maybe i was too blind to see.
all these while,
u nvr took the initiative to msg me at all.
not even a 'hi'.
i told myself maybe
u wanted to, but juz scared to take the initiative n blah...
so i thickened my skin n tried to make my presence felt in
ur hp everyday.
u always take a long time to reply my msgs, but i lied to myself dat maybe
u r busy (sometimes
u really are), tired, wateva....
but judging by the speed
u reply
ur msgs whenever
u are out with me, can i still find any excuses left to lie to myself?
u said
u have hao gan 4 me, maybe my interpretation of hao gan is diff from
urs.
coz i dun feel a single bit of it.
to
u, i m prob juz a normal fren dat cares alot for
u, someone dat can help
u bounce back from
ur past r/s? someone dat can give
u the love n care
u always wanted?
sorry 4 being cynical, but can i still see any hope?
all these while until now, i have trusted
ur words, every single word, but maybe words r cheap?
maybe dats y till now,
u have never trusted me to be able to love
u and treat
u right.
i guess i m asking too much, hoping too high.
maybe its time 4 me to get down from my cloud n face reality.
i hate to admit this, but
u have already became my addiction.
n i have to learn how to curb it b4 it robs me of my life.
managed to stop myself from msging
u for the past 21hrs.
now i finally realise how hard is it to curb an addiction.
frenz i spoke to all feel
ur way of handling us is right.
dat i m too impatient and i shld wait, juz like u.
dat i m too emotional and i shld have some of
ur rationality.
but do
u tink i like it this way?
dun i wan to be more rational at times too?
no1 can EVER understand exactly how i feel.
how torn i m from all these.
how i have to balance my own internal feelings on 1 side, and look after
ur feelings on the other.
4get it.
